Divorce and Remarriage

            After discussing the different challenges the family faces as together parents and children learn and grow, today I will talk about the challenges associated with divorce and remarriage. You will first be surprised to know that a study has shown that by 2004, 20.7 percent of men and 22.9 percent of women had experienced divorce at some point in their lives and that of first marriages that do end in divorce, about half break up within the first eight years. Throughout time, the divorce rate has changed drastically, primly due to legal reasons. At first, around the nineteenth century the states laws concerning divorce were different than now. While some states would not allow divorce at all, others allowed it only if one of the spouses have committed adultery. State laws now allow divorce easier than ever. For example, a couple in Idaho can get a divorce in less than two weeks without specific reason.

            You would also be surprised to know that most of the times, the reasons why people gets divorce it is not because of infidelity or abuse from one of the spouses, or because of something that they did, but because of what they did not do to save their marriage. Most of the couples see divorce as a solution to their economic problems, disagreements, or emotional disconnection. A study showed that most of the marriages could be re built strong in less than five years. Another study showed that two years later, 70 percent of the couples regret having divorced and wish they would have not divorced. Also, 70 percent of the divorced people remarried. 

            Something that I learned this week is that when two people don’t know what to do with their marriage and the problems, they get discouraged and seek divorce. Seeing divorce as the solution when facing challenges is like suicide. It does not really fix the problem, it just makes it worse. Couples need to take time to fix their problems and develop the attribute of patience as they deal with trails. It is studied that a couple needs a minimum of two years to get a sense of normality, either at the beginning of their marriage or after facing a crisis. Divorce creates a lot of more damage not only for the couple, but to all the family member. Divorce, though in some cases is for good, like cases when it is health or life-saving event for an abused wife, it is not good for anyone. It is sad to know that many marriages end and could have turned out to be delightful. The majority of the couples that are unsatisfied with their marriage can work through the problems and have a happy and joyful union again.

            Most of the families face a lot of challenges during the divorce and after, and most of the couples who get divorce, they remarry. Step families, adopted, half, blended or even reconstituted families face a bunch of different problems. Some of this families are broken families because of divorce, while others are broken due to the early death of one of the parents. Whatever be the case, the parents need to counsel more than any other couple. The step parents now must adjust to the children, and the kids need to adjust to the new family members. There is a lot of changes that bring a lot of problems, but that just like any other problem within the family, it can be worked out. Parents and children can work through their difficulties and establish a strong family. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a happy and bonded family.

Parenting

           Most of us think that parents are to teach their children, and that is correct, but something that I learned this week is that parents learn and grow so much as they raise children. I feel like being a parent is a privilege and one of the greatest opportunities we have as sons and daughters of God to become like Him. As parents, we need to develop attributes like: patience, forgiveness, charity, humility, diligence, and temperance. As I thought about this, I remembered a wise advised my mission president’s wife shared with me and other missionaries once: “The Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ, is the most correct book of the earth, and it has been my manual to be a better wife and a better mother” The words “manual to be a wife and a mother” resonated with me until now. A lot of newly parents rely on books or internet, but there is not better manual to become a great parent than by studying the Book of Mormon and by experience. We are never going to be ready to become a mom or a dad. A lot of young couples postpone having children for selfish reasons, or just simply because they do not feel “ready” for it. The truth is that just like we are never going to be ready to go to college, or marry, and it is the same with becoming parents.

            I am not yet a mother, but I am so thrilled for the day me and my future husband can start this journey of learning and entertainment. Our professor shared with us one of the many purposes of becoming a parent, he said: “…the purpose is to protect and prepare children to survive and to thrive in the world they will live in.” In one of my previous posts, I talked about problems and trails families will face throughout their lives. Now, we learned about the handling problems model that can help parents as they rear children. The first thing we must ask is: whose problem is this? And by that we mean, who is affected for this problem or situation. The parent could be affected, the child, or both. When the only one that is affected by the problem is the child, sometimes parents should step back and let the kid learn by the natural consequences they will experience because of their actions. There are three exceptions that we should not apply this: when the natural consequences are too dangerous, too far in the future, or if it affects others. As we give them the opportunity to make choices for themselves and to experience the natural consequences we are helping them to prepare to be responsible. Teaching responsibility to our children is one of the most important things and by using this method we can do that. When the problem affects the parents, for example when a child leaves the living room a mess after the mother cleaned, we can apply another method. The parent should first offer a polite request, not yelling, but kindly. The parent then expresses the “I” statement in which he says for example: When you… leave all your things in the living room, I feel… like taken advantage of because… I have been cleaning all day. I would like… if you can pick your stuff and put them away. After using this example of statement, then comes the firmer statement, and if the problem persists, we need to appeal to the logical consequences. When we talk about the logical consequences, we should make sure that those are discussed in advance, and we involve the child as we discuss those consequences. We then give them the choice, and we should remember that the consequences need to be logically connected to the natural consequences. We need to be able to live with the consequences, and finally we must be firm and friendly, follow through, and never doubt in giving them another chance.

            It is important, as we try to handle problems, to not seek to control our kids, but rather try to meet their needs. The more we try to control them, the less we will influence them. Rearing children and having a family are some of the best experiences in life that we should all look forward to. We need to work hard every day to give the best example to our kids, and always remember to follow the example of Christ.

Family Work and Finances

           One of the things that can create a lot of anxiety and contention in the home is the finances of the family. A lot of couples end up in divorce due to financial problems. But, after we talked about how beautiful is to raise a family and build a strong marriage, we do not want to through it all to the window, all this joy and happiness. A couple most learn to manage their finances on the best way possible to avoid contention and problems. At the same time, we should not let financial problems bring too much stress and affect our intimate and most precious relationships.

            Something essential for a family to have is a budget. Not just to have a budget, but to live by the budget they created. It is important for a husband and a wife to create a budget together for each month and strive to stick to it. There are a lot of unnecessary expenses sometimes we do not realize until we control them. Planning what we are going to spend and how much of it help us avoid unnecessary expenses. A president of the LDS church said concerning this topic: “Every family should have a budget. We have to know approximately what we may receive, and we certainly must know what we are going to spend.” (Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, April 1975, 166-167)

            As important as financial planning is saving. It has been proven that saving brings more pleasure than spending. An apostle of the LDS church said: “Frugality requires that we save a little for a rainy day, which always seems to come. It means avoiding debt and carefully limiting credit purchasing. It is important to learn to distinguish between wants and needs. It takes self-discipline to avoid the ‘buy now, pay later’ philosophy and to adopt the ‘save now and buy later’ practice.” (James E. Faust, Ensign, May 1986, 20) I love how Elder Faust talks about being aware of the difference of a want and a need. We need to learn self-control, to be honest with ourselves, and distinguish what we really need and what we want but it is not needed, nor affordable.

            Debts create big problems in family relations. “Some debt—such as for a modest home, expenses for education, perhaps for a needed first car—may be necessary. But never should we enter into financial bondage through consumer debt without carefully weighing the costs.” (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, Ensign, May 2004, 40). From an LDS prophet, we received wise counsel on some of the special occasions it is ok to get loan, use the “buy now pay later.“ I do think it is always better to save, and instead of paying interest, you could open a savings account and earn interest as you save.

            Another thing we discussed in class this week was work. At the beginning of time, things in society were so different compared to our day. Families worked at home all together. The father of the family was not the only provider and the one the left home to go to work and bring the bacon home. Parents and children worked together on farms and for their necessities. There were not specific roles of the mom as the cooker and cleaner, or the dad as the main provider. Kids didn’t spend a lot of time just playing around. Instead, the family worked together as a unit and had fun as they worked. They laughed, had fun, and enjoy the day together as they worked. This brought them together as a family. With time, dad started going out for work, leaving mom as the primary cooker and cleaner at home. Kids started going to work outside the home and helping to provide for the family.

            Throughout history, roles have changed. Now we established specific roles in the society within the family unit that did not used to exist. As we start our own families, we should talk about these things and discuss how are we going to work things out in our own family. We should discuss our expectations and goals. In my opinion, both parents should help to provide for the family, and together should manage their finances and keep a budget. They should help one another in the daily chores of cleaning and cooking. The mother is the primary person who is responsible for staying at home and raising the kids, but if it necessary and appropriate in the kids age she can also work out of home and help in providing for the family. I do not prefer mothers leaving the home when the kids are young and leaving them with someone else. The mother is the one that should be at home teaching and nursing those young kids. But as the children grow and start leaving home for school and other activities, I think is good for the mother to find something she can do to also bring money to the home.

            Now it is your turn! After you choose what culture and traditions you are going to keep and incorporate to your family, now is time to decide to live by a family budget, and to establish patters of saving and hard work at home.