Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

           During this time, we learned more about the sacredness of sexual intimacy and the importance of delaying it until marriage. We expanded on the challenges and opportunities that sexual intimacy can bring to couples, and we discussed the education we can give to our children within the walls of our own home. We also talked about infidelity and faithfulness within marriage. In this post, I would like to briefly talk about all those topics, and give you good resources for you to expand on the ones of your interest.

            The need for intimacy (a relationship which involves love, affection, caring and deep attachment to a person) is a more fundamental need than the need for sex. And sex without intimacy is of little or no value. Casual sex fails to meet people’s intimacy needs, and in most of the cases it leaves people feeling more empty and lonely than they were before the experience. Because of this, the sacred powers of procreation are only to be employed between a man and a woman legally married. Thus, creating the opportunity of becoming one. Is a fact that most of the people believe that sex need to be an expression of an intimate relationship and that the emotional satisfaction of sex is strongly associated with being in a committed, exclusive relationship.

            Sexual relationships are different for the male and female, and this is something important that couples need to learn. A lot of times we are found in lack of correct information and appropriate education about sexuality. Depending on our backgrounds and own family cultures, we are less or more educated in this topic. Sometimes most of the education we have received has been focused in prevention, and the actual biological functions of the reproductive systems of our bodies. But there is more that we need to learn about sexuality. Husband and wife are to learn together. Sexuality within the marriage can be challenging. Couples often experience feelings of discomfort, unrealistic expectations, confusion, and sometimes are even damaged by pornography.  But sex can provide opportunities for selflessness, communication, agreement, and stronger love. A good book that I would recommend everyone to buy is called: “And They Were Not Ashamed” by Laura M. Brotherson.

Reading from good books can be a great tool for new and not so newly married couples that might or not be struggling with this aspect in their relationship. Sexuality, when done within marriage, at the right time and with the right person, can be one of the strongest and more unifying bounds a couple can experience. Together with this comes faithfulness. Sexual involvement not only has to be reserve for marriage, but also keep within the marriage. Infidelity is one of the most painful feelings a person can experience. Infidelity is not only when physical contact is involved, but begins way before that. A spouse can be unfaithful in thought, conversation, and feelings. To avoid infidelity, couples most build strong boundaries to help keep this sacred bound of marriage protected of harm. When a man and a woman commit to each other, they leave behind all other affairs and relationships that can interfere their relationship, this including parents, extended family, and friends. Those boundaries are to be talked to and applied in your own relationship.

            Now that we’ve talked more about sexual intimacy, I would like to point out the importance of an appropriate education on sexuality. Most of us feel like we have not been correctly educated. As we start having children, we need to teach them about this, in different times of their lives different things. I am not talking about teaching our little kids about sex to horrify them. I am talking about identifying the proper information at determined stages of life. What a kid in accountability age need to know, what a teenager need to know, or what young adult that is about to get married need to know. We as parents have the responsibility to teach our children and not send them to learn from the world in the streets. We can teach them correct principles of love, intimacy, and sexuality; the importance and power of those acts, and not only how to prevent them but why.

            I know that there is a lot more we can talk about this, but I would like to leave you with some links for you to expand.

Sexuality

"Making a Love Connection"

A Parent's Guide

How to Talk About Pornography   

https://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/

Infidelity Prevention

Transitions in Marriage

           Now that you’ve gotten to know your significant other, and you’ve grown a love for each other, he surprises you on his knee with a ring, and pops the question: “Would you marry me?” And of course, you say YES! You get engaged and start the preparations for the big day. Engagement should be a fun time to continue to get to know your future spouse, continue to go on dates, make plans for the future, and organize everything for the wedding. Something important to point out, is that is not about how expensive was the ring, or how big and expensive the wedding will be. Studies show that the cost of a wedding average is $27,800. Crazy huh? But is not about that. Studies also show that the more expensive the ring and wedding are, the more probabilities the marriage won’t work out. Is not about how much in debt you get to have the perfect wedding, or how much your parents have to spend for it. Is about the special commitment you are doing with your best friend. Is the beginning of a great life together, and the less you want is to be in debt. The quality of your relationship is what really matters.

            You got married and it was wonderful. Both of your families got together and the most important people in your lives were there. After the wedding and honeymoon come, the transition of marriage hits you and it is time for some adjustments. I am not married yet, so I am not an expert on this subject, but here are some of the adjustments our experts shared with us in class: sharing a bed, sharing a bathroom (with someone of the opposite sex), sharing and managing finances, sharing chores at home (cleaning, cooking, and organizing), and sharing most of your time. Learning to share will take a lot of conversation and experimentation, sometimes even some tears, but once the couple starts getting it, the level of satisfaction just goes up. Is the best and the happiest time of your life.

Everything is going great until… an intruder comes into the family. Yes, a new baby is welcomed and together with the new born baby, come new roles, more responsibilities, new tasks, and even new problems. You both first had to learn to be a husband and wife, and now you both need to add the role of being a mother and a father. But wait a second... I never said you change roles, you still have the role of a wife and husband, and this is something a lot of people sometimes forget. You now are not only a wife or a husband, but also a mom or a dad. Is a new transition that many times is hard to adjust, and studies show that in most of the cases makes the marital satisfaction to decline. Why it starts to decline, when such a sweet and special event should bring more happiness? Well, the new baby is demanding, loud, and the workload of the mother increases abundantly. The husband sometimes feels left out and the couples start to lose attention within their marital relationship. And this gets worse with more babies coming into the family. Communication is more important than ever; patience, love, sacrifices, and service are required to make it work.

Here is an example of a graphic that helps us understand this process, but the good news is that as the kids start leaving the house, satisfaction starts to grow again.

Now this is not the case for all the couples. In many cases, when the couple works hard, the transition from into the new life with children can be a magnificent blessing and makes the couple even more happy. Here is an example:

It can be a hard transition, but if the couple works together they can be successful and happy. 

Preparing for Marriage: Dating and Love!

What is your definition of love? To me, love takes different forms, either with family members, friends or a significant other. The love I feel for a family members is different than the love that I feel for my friends. At the same time, I love my fiancé in a mix of both and more of the romantic love. I love my fiancé as a friend, he is my best friend, and I also love him as much as I love my own family. The difference is that I also feel attracted to him, and I have romantic feelings for him that makes our relationship even more special. This type of love is the best type of love and the one I consider most valuable. Is the one that fills my heart and makes me want to do anything for that person. M. Scott Peck said, “I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” I share this definition of love because I really liked it. The type of love I desire in my marriage is the one that makes me forget about myself and put the other person first. I want to be able to love that person for who he is, who he can become and who he makes want to be, someone better every day.

This week in class, we talked about how we can better prepare for marriage and for the type of love we want. We discussed 4 important steps: dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. Dating, as something that seems to be disappearing from society, was our focus.

            A lot of people complain and say that dating is not a thing anymore and now people just hang out or just hook up. Dating has become more casual and less significant. But the truth is that dating is the foundation of marriage. You can’t expect to establish a strong marriage with someone that all you do is to hang out, or make out as a way to get to know each other. You need to go on actual dates! And a date needs to be planned, paid for, and paired off. You can’t just text the hot girl of your math class and say: “Hey do you want to come over and watch a movie?” NO! Call her, invite her to do something that you planned, pay for it (no need to spend a lot of money, or money at all), and finally don’t invite all your roommates, (or if you are the girl invited to the date, don’t bring your friends). The date must be one on one, so you can really get to know the person, in a comfortable environment.

            Something that I really liked that we discussed about dates is the relation with the responsibilities are listed in the prophetic LDS declaration, “Family: A Proclamation to The World.” Men’s responsibilities are to preside, provide, and protect. While our responsibilities as mothers and wives is to nurture.  Now I will leave it to you to figure out how the men’s responsibilities of planning, paying for, and making sure the date is paired off are closely related to the responsibilities to preside, provide, and protect. And likewise, our role of nurturing women, and how this is related to our role in dating.

            Dating can be scary, awkward, or boring for some, but the truth is that dating can be fun. It shouldn’t be seen as something like: “Oh if he asked me on another date is because we are going to get married.” We should not be caught up into that pressure. You should go out on actual dates, have a good time, get to know people, and after you find the “right one” keep making the effort of going on special weekly dates to strengthen your relationship.