Family Work and Finances

           One of the things that can create a lot of anxiety and contention in the home is the finances of the family. A lot of couples end up in divorce due to financial problems. But, after we talked about how beautiful is to raise a family and build a strong marriage, we do not want to through it all to the window, all this joy and happiness. A couple most learn to manage their finances on the best way possible to avoid contention and problems. At the same time, we should not let financial problems bring too much stress and affect our intimate and most precious relationships.

            Something essential for a family to have is a budget. Not just to have a budget, but to live by the budget they created. It is important for a husband and a wife to create a budget together for each month and strive to stick to it. There are a lot of unnecessary expenses sometimes we do not realize until we control them. Planning what we are going to spend and how much of it help us avoid unnecessary expenses. A president of the LDS church said concerning this topic: “Every family should have a budget. We have to know approximately what we may receive, and we certainly must know what we are going to spend.” (Spencer W. Kimball, Conference Report, April 1975, 166-167)

            As important as financial planning is saving. It has been proven that saving brings more pleasure than spending. An apostle of the LDS church said: “Frugality requires that we save a little for a rainy day, which always seems to come. It means avoiding debt and carefully limiting credit purchasing. It is important to learn to distinguish between wants and needs. It takes self-discipline to avoid the ‘buy now, pay later’ philosophy and to adopt the ‘save now and buy later’ practice.” (James E. Faust, Ensign, May 1986, 20) I love how Elder Faust talks about being aware of the difference of a want and a need. We need to learn self-control, to be honest with ourselves, and distinguish what we really need and what we want but it is not needed, nor affordable.

            Debts create big problems in family relations. “Some debt—such as for a modest home, expenses for education, perhaps for a needed first car—may be necessary. But never should we enter into financial bondage through consumer debt without carefully weighing the costs.” (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, Ensign, May 2004, 40). From an LDS prophet, we received wise counsel on some of the special occasions it is ok to get loan, use the “buy now pay later.“ I do think it is always better to save, and instead of paying interest, you could open a savings account and earn interest as you save.

            Another thing we discussed in class this week was work. At the beginning of time, things in society were so different compared to our day. Families worked at home all together. The father of the family was not the only provider and the one the left home to go to work and bring the bacon home. Parents and children worked together on farms and for their necessities. There were not specific roles of the mom as the cooker and cleaner, or the dad as the main provider. Kids didn’t spend a lot of time just playing around. Instead, the family worked together as a unit and had fun as they worked. They laughed, had fun, and enjoy the day together as they worked. This brought them together as a family. With time, dad started going out for work, leaving mom as the primary cooker and cleaner at home. Kids started going to work outside the home and helping to provide for the family.

            Throughout history, roles have changed. Now we established specific roles in the society within the family unit that did not used to exist. As we start our own families, we should talk about these things and discuss how are we going to work things out in our own family. We should discuss our expectations and goals. In my opinion, both parents should help to provide for the family, and together should manage their finances and keep a budget. They should help one another in the daily chores of cleaning and cooking. The mother is the primary person who is responsible for staying at home and raising the kids, but if it necessary and appropriate in the kids age she can also work out of home and help in providing for the family. I do not prefer mothers leaving the home when the kids are young and leaving them with someone else. The mother is the one that should be at home teaching and nursing those young kids. But as the children grow and start leaving home for school and other activities, I think is good for the mother to find something she can do to also bring money to the home.

            Now it is your turn! After you choose what culture and traditions you are going to keep and incorporate to your family, now is time to decide to live by a family budget, and to establish patters of saving and hard work at home.

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

            As we talked about crises that the family face throughout life, sexual intimacy within the marriage, and transitions in marriage, I concluded that there is one thing it is fundamental in family relationships and that is: Communication.

            Communication is defined as the exchange of information. Most of the people think of talking when we refer to communication, but there is more involved than just simply speaking. Lack of good communication is the greatest cause for divorce and separation in couples. Marriage and family members should learn to communicate with each other in a proper way, because a clear and good communication can help individuals deal with all types of situations and problems. When we communicate, we do it by listening, through words, tone of voice, and non-verbal expressions. Listening is more than hearing, it is an act of love. When we listen to the other person, we are not thinking in our point of view, or what are we going to respond. We are truly listening with our heart and trying to understand the other person and their point of view. The tone of voice we use when we speak and the non-verbal expressions have a great impact in the way we communicate. For this reason, is so important to talk, and not just text. Texting has become a very harmful way of “communicating.” We can’t really understand the other person when we text because we can’t hear the tone of voice, see what facial expressions they use, or their body language. Some studies have concluded that words are only 14 percent of the mean of communication, while tone forms make up 35 percent, and non-verbal communication 51 percent.

            When we communicate, we need to be transparent. We should seek to be direct without pulling out the list of all the bad things about the other person. We should focus on the good of the other person, either our spouse or other family member. Another thing to avoid avoid is the “silent treatment.” Being silent can communicate more than we think. I learned about this from a family member who would give me the silent treatment too often. I also had an experience as I learned to deal with a mission companion, while serving a religious mission, that would react in the same way. Not talking is hurtful for the other person that is trying to understand you. On the other hand, there are three things recommended that can help us enhance our commitment and strengthen our closest relationships as we do them frequently: a gentle touch, smiling, and keeping eye contact. Those simple and powerful things can make a great difference, specially during an argument.

            Often, a family and a couple must make important decisions. We learn from the brethren in the LDS church, the example of the counsel method they us, that we can apply in our families. When the LDS brethren hold those counsels, they do it in a specific day of the week and time, always the same day and time, and in a sacred place. As a family, we should set apart a day and time in which we can hold weekly counsels, and we most do it in our sacred place, the home. In some cases, a couple can go together to the temple and prayerfully seek inspiration from the Lord there. Before the meeting starts, the brethren arrive early to express love and appreciation one to another. Before they start to discuss the matters, they begin with a prayer to invite the spirit and seek the Lord’s inspiration in order to do His will. As they communicate, they do not compromise each other, but they seek to compromise the Lord. They humbly make decisions and fix problems. After each of them have agreed, they close with a prayer. This is a simple, yet powerful method of counsel we should all try to implement in our families.

The Family Under Stress

           Family life brings us the greatest feelings of happiness and joy, yet is not always smoothly and perfect. It would be great if everything were easy, but this is not the case. Families experience crisis, some are external and others are internal to the social system depending the cause, but both are hard to overcome.

All of us deal with stress in our personal lives and within the family, but what is stress? It is a tension that results from very demanding circumstances, but necessary. WAIT, WHAT? Did I just say that stress is a necessity? YES! Stress is necessary, and is not bad. Stress tends to be a bad thing if you see it as a bad thing. Our instructor gave an example that I loved about astronauts. When astronauts come back from space their bodies feel extremely heavy and they can’t even stand on their feet. This is caused for the absence of gravity in the space, and the pressure that muscles and bones lose (lack of stress). This is just an example of the need of stress not only in our physical bodies but in our lives. Having a crisis is also necessary because it brings opportunities for change. We also learned that anxiety is a natural response to a perception of danger, and I emphasize perception, because it is not a reality of danger unless we perceive it as danger. One more time, it is up to us to perceive or see crises as something good or bad. Depending on our perception, is how it affect us.

            Now, all families face challenges and crises, but we observe different outcomes and consequences. Those problems affect families different, and why is that? Reuben Hill developed a model called “ABCX family crisis.” He studied different families while they endured stress during crises. “A” is the actual event and the hardship it produces, for example: a drug addiction, the death of a child, infidelity, big financial problems, the loss of the house due to a natural disaster, and others. “B” is both the resources and the responses with those resources of the family, like insurance, family, church, talent, previous experience acquire from a previous crisis, and more. “C” are for cognitions or the family’s definition of the event. A, B and C work together to produce the total experience: X.

            What I learned this week is that the perspective and the way we define a stressful situation is everything. It is easier to say it of course, but when we are in the situation is harder to react in a positive and creative way. There are many things we can do. We need to recognize the situation and change our perspective. We need to learn to react in a positive way and creatively access all the resources we have. We should look at the situation as an opportunity to change, improve, and become stronger. We must make little adjustments, and instead of isolating and separating ourselves from everyone, we should become more unified as a family unit and marriage.

            To conclude, I would like to share a short video with all of you that talks about the challenges that we all face in life, and how Jesus Christ can be a source of peace in these moments. I know that we have many resources available to deal with those crises and finish stronger than we were. I know these crises can be opportunities for improvement as we let them be for good. Mountains to Climb