Transitions in Marriage

           Now that you’ve gotten to know your significant other, and you’ve grown a love for each other, he surprises you on his knee with a ring, and pops the question: “Would you marry me?” And of course, you say YES! You get engaged and start the preparations for the big day. Engagement should be a fun time to continue to get to know your future spouse, continue to go on dates, make plans for the future, and organize everything for the wedding. Something important to point out, is that is not about how expensive was the ring, or how big and expensive the wedding will be. Studies show that the cost of a wedding average is $27,800. Crazy huh? But is not about that. Studies also show that the more expensive the ring and wedding are, the more probabilities the marriage won’t work out. Is not about how much in debt you get to have the perfect wedding, or how much your parents have to spend for it. Is about the special commitment you are doing with your best friend. Is the beginning of a great life together, and the less you want is to be in debt. The quality of your relationship is what really matters.

            You got married and it was wonderful. Both of your families got together and the most important people in your lives were there. After the wedding and honeymoon come, the transition of marriage hits you and it is time for some adjustments. I am not married yet, so I am not an expert on this subject, but here are some of the adjustments our experts shared with us in class: sharing a bed, sharing a bathroom (with someone of the opposite sex), sharing and managing finances, sharing chores at home (cleaning, cooking, and organizing), and sharing most of your time. Learning to share will take a lot of conversation and experimentation, sometimes even some tears, but once the couple starts getting it, the level of satisfaction just goes up. Is the best and the happiest time of your life.

Everything is going great until… an intruder comes into the family. Yes, a new baby is welcomed and together with the new born baby, come new roles, more responsibilities, new tasks, and even new problems. You both first had to learn to be a husband and wife, and now you both need to add the role of being a mother and a father. But wait a second... I never said you change roles, you still have the role of a wife and husband, and this is something a lot of people sometimes forget. You now are not only a wife or a husband, but also a mom or a dad. Is a new transition that many times is hard to adjust, and studies show that in most of the cases makes the marital satisfaction to decline. Why it starts to decline, when such a sweet and special event should bring more happiness? Well, the new baby is demanding, loud, and the workload of the mother increases abundantly. The husband sometimes feels left out and the couples start to lose attention within their marital relationship. And this gets worse with more babies coming into the family. Communication is more important than ever; patience, love, sacrifices, and service are required to make it work.

Here is an example of a graphic that helps us understand this process, but the good news is that as the kids start leaving the house, satisfaction starts to grow again.

Now this is not the case for all the couples. In many cases, when the couple works hard, the transition from into the new life with children can be a magnificent blessing and makes the couple even more happy. Here is an example:

It can be a hard transition, but if the couple works together they can be successful and happy. 

Preparing for Marriage: Dating and Love!

What is your definition of love? To me, love takes different forms, either with family members, friends or a significant other. The love I feel for a family members is different than the love that I feel for my friends. At the same time, I love my fiancé in a mix of both and more of the romantic love. I love my fiancé as a friend, he is my best friend, and I also love him as much as I love my own family. The difference is that I also feel attracted to him, and I have romantic feelings for him that makes our relationship even more special. This type of love is the best type of love and the one I consider most valuable. Is the one that fills my heart and makes me want to do anything for that person. M. Scott Peck said, “I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” I share this definition of love because I really liked it. The type of love I desire in my marriage is the one that makes me forget about myself and put the other person first. I want to be able to love that person for who he is, who he can become and who he makes want to be, someone better every day.

This week in class, we talked about how we can better prepare for marriage and for the type of love we want. We discussed 4 important steps: dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. Dating, as something that seems to be disappearing from society, was our focus.

            A lot of people complain and say that dating is not a thing anymore and now people just hang out or just hook up. Dating has become more casual and less significant. But the truth is that dating is the foundation of marriage. You can’t expect to establish a strong marriage with someone that all you do is to hang out, or make out as a way to get to know each other. You need to go on actual dates! And a date needs to be planned, paid for, and paired off. You can’t just text the hot girl of your math class and say: “Hey do you want to come over and watch a movie?” NO! Call her, invite her to do something that you planned, pay for it (no need to spend a lot of money, or money at all), and finally don’t invite all your roommates, (or if you are the girl invited to the date, don’t bring your friends). The date must be one on one, so you can really get to know the person, in a comfortable environment.

            Something that I really liked that we discussed about dates is the relation with the responsibilities are listed in the prophetic LDS declaration, “Family: A Proclamation to The World.” Men’s responsibilities are to preside, provide, and protect. While our responsibilities as mothers and wives is to nurture.  Now I will leave it to you to figure out how the men’s responsibilities of planning, paying for, and making sure the date is paired off are closely related to the responsibilities to preside, provide, and protect. And likewise, our role of nurturing women, and how this is related to our role in dating.

            Dating can be scary, awkward, or boring for some, but the truth is that dating can be fun. It shouldn’t be seen as something like: “Oh if he asked me on another date is because we are going to get married.” We should not be caught up into that pressure. You should go out on actual dates, have a good time, get to know people, and after you find the “right one” keep making the effort of going on special weekly dates to strengthen your relationship.

            

Understanding Same-Sex Attraction

              This week in class, we discussed the influence of gender and same sex attraction in family life. I know that those are very delicate topics due to different believes and perspectives, but I would like to focus on the scientific perspective. I know that understanding same sex attraction will benefit all of us, especially those who have a close relative or friend with this orientation.

           First of all, call it what it is. There are three ways to refer to a person; Same sex/gender attraction, homosexual, and gay. A person with same sex attraction experiences romantic or sexual desires towards the same gender, but sometimes they don’t necessary act on these feelings; a homosexual is someone that is sexually involved with someone of the same gender, and gay is when someone has chosen this as its identity. Why is important to understand the meaning of each of these terms? Here is an example: If a guy is trying to overcome his same sex attraction feelings and someone calls him gay, he probably wouldn't appreciate that. On the other hand, if a guy who is experiencing the same type of feelings identifies himself as gay, it is ok to call it that way.

            Second, we can’t call someone homosexual when they are not even sexual. This goes more towards people who call little kids gay, or they think they have some sort of attraction to the same sex.

            Now, one of the most controversial question is, if someone was born this way or not. There have been many studies to help respond this question. In 2008, the American Psychological Association (APA) stated: “There is no consensus among scientist about the exact reasons… although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, development, social and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientist to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many think that nature and nurture both play complex roles…” With the corrosion of the biological argument, scientists are turning toward the nurture of psychological arguments, but they have concluded that homosexuality does not have a single cause.

            Another important question is: are homosexual attractions changeable? In other words, can a person change? And the answer is YES! People can and do change. A. Dean Byrd, a president of Thrasher Research Fund, concluded: “While there may not necessarily be a conscious choice in the development of the attractions themselves, there is nevertheless a choice as to how the individual responds to the biological and environmental influences around him. And even when the attractions develop, there is a choice in how the individual will respond to those attractions: either to accept and act on them, or to choose not to act on them and to focus on eliminating or dismissing the attractions.”

            There is so much more we can learn and understand about same-sex attraction, but I would like to finish with a video for all of you to watch that talks a little bit more about the causes, possibilities to change, and personal testimonies.  

Here is the link to the video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM

And here is a helpful website for those who are interested to learn more about the LDS church perspective on this topic https://mormonandgay.lds.org/